In Which...
by Guardian1
Summary: ... Rinoa and Zell get waxed, Fujin has a makeover, and things are done for No Apparent Reason...


In Which...  
_________________

"POSSE... We are. We always will be. Because we're a posse,  
we want to help you. Whatever it takes to fulfill your dream,  
we're willing to - "

"Hey, can we stop the scene for a moment?"

The five characters below Seifer Almasy stared up at him in  
bewilderment.

"My mascara is running because this damn light's making my eyes water.  
Why do I have to be on this stupid podium, anyway?" he sulked. "Nobody  
can see my sexy body for half the scene! I want a revolution! I'm  
a young revolutionary!"

"RAGE!" Fujin stalked up to the podium and glared. "You bastard, this  
is my only, best scene in the game, and now you've ruined it! You did  
this on purpose! Even Raijin gets more lines than me!"

Seifer rolled his eyes. "Well, my dear, if you'd chosen to do something  
cool instead of run around the entire game like a secondary character,  
maybe you would have gotten something more than a backseat role and  
a five-second FMV - "

"RAGE! At least my legs look better than Rinoa's in that ballroom  
scene! Can anyone say, 'anti-aliasing'?!"

"Anti-aliasing," Raijin repeated obediently. 

"Yeah, well, I got like, ten FMVS!" piped up Rinoa from Squall and  
Zell's side.

"Because you're sleeping with the main character," Seifer asserted.  
"Which, by the way, should have been _me_, owing to the fact that  
I have a sexier body - "

"Fatass," Squall mumbled from the back.

" - and have no sissy pearl earring, unlike SOME people I could  
mention - "

"Bitch!"

" - but I really don't want to sleep with Rinoa because her legs are  
indeed jaggy and dangerous."

"MEANY! I hate you!" Rinoa jumped up onto Seifer's podium and began  
trying to saw him to death with one of her limbs.

Immediately, Seifer yanked out Hyperion and cut her head off.

"Congratulations, dipshit," Zell snarled. "Applaud the guy who  
just ruined the friggin' game!"

But Zell died of heart disease from all those hot dogs ten seconds  
later, because he had fufilled his role in life, namely a One-Liner.  
Nobody noticed.

"Hahahahaha!" Seifer laughed maniacally. "Now the game is free  
for me to take it over and get a ten-minute FMV of my luscious  
bod! Now there is only Squall standing in my way!"

"He's not that much of a threat," Fujin noticed, watching Squall  
obliviously sing along to 'I'm Just A Girl' playing on the walkman  
he hid under his hair.

"Oo, you bastard," Raijin noted as well, for no apparent reason.

Seifer lifted his trenchcoat to his knees and began breakdancing  
in celebration, flipping up and wiggling his booty at his posse.  
"I am the champion! I am the champion! No time for losers!  
Cause I am the champion! Of the world!"

Squall eventually noticed and jumped up on the podium with Seifer,  
dancing funkily along with him.

"It's your birthday, shake your booty!" he sang. "...Whatever!"

"Oo, it's so pretty! It's so pretty," Seifer sang as well. 

Seifer and Squall bopped butts and danced in circles and waggled  
their tongues. They soon grew tired of dancing funkily, however,  
and changed into a rendition of Riverdance, Squall having a useful  
leotard underneath his outfit and Seifer having metal-capped shoes.

Meanwhile, in yet another unnecessary scene, Raijin and Fujin played  
charades with the still-fresh corpses of Zell and Rinoa. 

Raijin hauled Zell's arms above his head and bounced him up and down  
for effect. " 'I'm named after a white fluffy thing,' " he intoned   
hollowly.

"RICE? COTTON CANDY? EGGS?" Fujin guessed.

"Fuu-uuj! C'mon!" Raijin bounced Zell harder. " 'They injected me  
with Mako, ya know! Let's moosey!' "

"CLOUD! MOSEY! IDIOT!"

"Okay, okay, ya know. Your turn."

Fujin grabbed Zell's limp body and angrily shook it. " 'I ruin my  
posse's scenes and I have penis problems, and I am scared of   
commitment and regularly go through Fujin's underwear drawer!' "

"Wow, Fuuj," Raijin admired. "You have _problems_."

"I heard that!" Seifer shouted from the podium with a fake   
Irish accent.

" 'And I act like an even bigger jerk and make Fujin jump out a   
window in countless fanfics, and I sleep with almost every cast   
character - ' " Fujin broke down in sobs on dead Zell's shoulder.   
" - and I can count the number of times _I've_ been laid on _one  
hand_! RAGE!"

"Aww, there, there, Fuu," Raijin tried to awkwardly soothe.  
"I bet there'll be lots of lemons written about you, ya know - "

"ALL SUCK," she wept. 

"Well, yeah."

"You should just try to be sexy like me, Fuj," Seifer noted,  
having switched to doing the Macarena.

"SEIFER, OVERSEXED," Fujin sulked.

Seifer put on his practiced 'martyred' face. "It's not what  
it's cracked up to be. How would you like it if you had to  
sleep with Trepe every second fanfic, Rinoa every tenth,  
and having a whole section devoted to grinding Squall?"  
He paused. "Wait, don't answer that, cause I know I _love_ it."

"SEXY, WANNA," the albino protested.

"Makeover, ya know!" Raijin squealed.

"...Whatever," Squall acknowledged in his most energetic 'Whatever'   
of the day.

Seifer pressed a button, and a vanity suddenly popped up  
into the floor. Those Lunatic Pandora people were all  
fashionably cute, doncha know, and knew the importance of  
makeup.

Another button was pressed, and a clothes-rack popped up  
next to the vanity. Squall and Seifer immediately set up shop  
next to Fujin.

"I'd say she was a Late Spring," Squall announced.

"Winter."

"Late Spring."

"Winter."

"Okay. We're gonna janken for this." Seifer and Squall held out their  
hands. 

"One, two, three!" Squall stuck out his hand as Scissors, and Seifer  
quickly morphed his Paper into a Rock. 

Squall sulked. "Whatever."

"Hah, hah! Winter, winter!" Seifer sang, and turned to Raijin.  
"Raijin, get out the lipstick and blusher. #5, Whore Red,  
and #10, Aeris Pink."

For the next ten minutes, Fujin was lipsticked, blushed,   
pancaked, styled into submission, and threatened with the eyelash  
shapers.

Squall and Seifer eventually looked at her, they hmmmed and  
hawed and finally nodded. "She's done and it's good,"   
Seifer acknowledged.

"How can you tell?"

"She doesn't look like Kefka."

Fujin looked at the mirror in astonishment. She looked... she  
looked like someone who could get more than a ten-second FMV!  
She looked like the kind of Final Fantasy character people  
drew tentacle hentai art for! Even that scar over her blind eye was  
fashionably sexy!

"Hey, how did you get that scar, anyway?" Squall asked, reading  
the above paragraph.

She grimaced. "TRIPPED. ZELL'S HAIR, FELL ON."

All three men winced.

Raijin sorted through the clothing rack. "We got sixties polyester  
suit, a Catholic Schoolgirl outfit, some fake Tifa breasts - "

"I'll take those," Seifer immediately said.

" - ten million trenchcoats, tight camo gear, and Laguna pants,  
ya know? Big hole."

"Trenchcoats are sexy," noted the only trenchcoat-wearing git in   
the room.

"They're shapeless," Squall argued. "We want to show the bits  
of Fujin to the world that the world wants.... Whatever," he added  
hurriedly, as he got paid each time he said it. (Suffice to say, he  
was _rolling_ in it by the end of the game.)

Seifer nodded briskly. "Breasts."

"Or lack of Fujin's thereof, ya know," added Raijin.

"RAGE!" she protested. "At least I don't have saggy man-breasts  
like Cid!"

"Well, some men find small breasts sexy," the tall blonde said  
uncertainly.

"Like?"

Raijin hurriedly changed the topic. "Anyway, ya know, I'm votin' for  
the polyester suit, ya know."

"Because you have no taste, Mr. Aladdin Pants," Seifer said and yanked  
the camo gear off the hanger. "Let's go for GI Fuuj. Clothes off!"

Fujin stood eagerly. "LEMON?"

Seifer cocked an eyebrow and appeared to think about it, then shook  
his head. "Haven't got a thesaurus, and you can only use the word  
'engorged' so often."

The albino sulked and kicked off her outfit, revealing a sportsbra  
and boxers with little cross-sword icons on them. Raijin turned  
away so that the image would not pop up in his memory as he tried  
to have sex with other people.

Seifer pulled the lung-constrictingly tight flimsy stringshoe top  
over Fujin's head and offered her the baggy green pants. "Do you  
want a gunbelt? There's the whole sexual innuendo thing there."  
He picked up the belt and began sliding the gun in and out the   
sheath. "Gun in sheath, gun out sheath. Gun in sheath, gun out   
sheath. Oooh, yeah."

Fujin pulled on the pants as Seifer had too much fun with the   
gunbelt and struggled into large clunky shoes. "WELL?" she inquired.

"Definitely hot, ya know," Raijin informed her. "You'd get jumped  
on by Irvine, ya know?"

"He jumps everyone," Squall told Raijin disgustedly, and turned  
back to Fujin. "Yeah. I'd sleep with you... hey, I _did_ sleep with  
you. Remember that fanfic?"

Fujin clapped her hands over her ears. "SQUALL, UNSEXY! BIG MISTAKE!"  
She whirled around to Seifer. "YOU?"

"... in sheath, gun out sheath, gun in - What, Fuuj?" he asked  
distractedly.

"How do I look?"

"Great," he said absently. "Gun in sheath - "

"RAGE! I look sexy!" Fujin protested. "Too sexy!" The music came on  
and Fujin began stripping to the music, trying in vain to get Seifer's  
attention. "I'm too sexy for these pants, too sexy for these  
pants, too sexy - "

" - Following submissions from the Rationalist association and others,  
the Marriage Act was amended in 1975 - " droned Squall to Raijin,  
having forgotten about Seifer; his attention span being that of a  
marshmallow.

"I think your morals ain't upholdin' today's society, ya know? Buyin'  
alcohol on Sundays! For shame, ya know!"

"Too sexy for this song!" Fujin finished desperately and posed in  
front of Seifer. 

He finally looked up from his gunbelt and looked her up and down.  
"You're going to get some censorship bars if you carry on with  
that, Fusama."

She stamped her foot. "Sei_fer_!"

Seifer shrugged and threw Fujin over his shoulder, walking off   
to the nearest car. "Oh, okay."

And thus:

Seifer slept with Fujin in a totally unnecessary scene in the  
back of one of those ugly cars that you can rent, and got to act  
like Jack off Titanic. (Only Seifer was sexier.) But they ran out  
of fuel, and adjectives, and a passing Marlboro pointed  
and laughed at them before he arrested them for indecency. So  
Fujin never got her full lemon. She was exceedingly angry and  
Seifer's shins are bruised.

Squall and Raijin discussed Rationalists and Humanists, nude  
sunbathing, and the insides of pop-tarts, before getting new  
agents and trying for better roles in the next Final Fantasy  
game. Squall lost the role of Garnet. He is very bitter.

Zell and Rinoa's corpses rotted on the floor. It was nasty.  
They had to get the carpet redone.

Kiros insisted on saying, "Boogie-woogie your bon-bon, Laguna,"  
throughout this entire fic, so we cut him out. Hah! Take that, you  
retarded arm-flailing steakknife-wielding bastard!

The End sign came up.

It will, I promise.

No, really.

THE END


End file.
